I was sitting quietly in my parents’ bedroom, specifically
on my mother’s side of the bed. I sat there staring at the wall; expressionless. Everyone I knew had come to my parents…my dad’s house to be there for
him. My friends and Cameron were downstairs in the living room trying to comfort
him. I told them that I needed time to be alone. The room still smelled like my
mother’s perfume and fresh flowers, but, the room seemed slightly different,
darker and sad. Although it was dark outside now, it’s as if the house knew
that my mother had passed. I wasn’t able to fully process it yet and I knew
that because I wasn’t crying, I wasn’t sad, I was somewhat relieved. Relieved
at the fact that my mom seemed to pass away peacefully in her sleep. I just
wish I got a chance to say goodbye, but knowing my mother, she would have
wanted me to just say something like, see you soon, or goodnight. I stayed in
the bedroom for about an hour. There was a knock on the door and it slowly
opened. Cameron peeked in.
“Baby…” he said unsure what to ask
“I’m okay.” I answered anyways
“You need anything?” he asked gently
“My mom.” I said with a quivered lip
Cameron came over and sat next to me. I fought back the
tears, I needed to stay strong, for my dad, for my mother, for me. I promised
her and I was going to keep that promise. We sat in the room together as he
comforted me, holding me with his left arm as I rested my head on his shoulder.
“Joey.” Diane called for me
I walked downstairs with Cameron holding my hand. Before I
could reach the bottom of the stairs, I noticed the front door wide open and
Diane standing next to it. She gestured with her head to go outside. I looked
around in the living room and nobody was there. Where did everyone go? I walked
around the corner and out the open door. There, on my parents open property,
filling the yard, the driveway, among the trees, where hundreds of people
holding candles. Everyone was in complete silence. I walked out in shock and
found my dad standing in the center of the porch. I stood next to him looking
at his face. Tears quietly streaming down his face as he sobbed. I looked back
out into the crowd to make out some familiar faces – co-workers, school
friends, students of my parents, teachers, the principle, the committee members
of the winter ball, Dr. Nolan and so many other faces. These were the lives my
mother touched. I gasped as I forced myself to retain composure, but I
couldn’t. The tears began to pour out again. Without taking my eyes off of the candle light vigil, I reached to my left and grabbed my dad’s hand. He squeezed
it as I felt his body shaking. My mother would have felt so honored to realize
how many people respected her, in fact, I’m sure she knew this.
A few
people from the crowd walked forward with flowers, cards and photos they had
with my mother when she was a teacher. They placed them against the steps of
our porch and wouldn’t say anything other than, “I’m sorry” and walk back into
the crowd. Principle Hawkins who stood among those in the front of the vigil
slowly lifted her candle above her head pointed towards the sky. A couple
people followed, then a handful, half of the crowd and finally, everyone. We
stood out there in complete silence as people began to leave one by one. I
didn’t take it as a sign of disrespect, because they showed up and it warmed my
heart. I knew people couldn’t stay here forever paying their respects for my
mother. The last to leave was Principle Hawkins and a few of our classmates
from high school. My dad and I stood hand in hand watching them leave. He
unknowingly let go of me and walked to the steps and sat down looking at the
pile of memories and flowers the hundreds of people brought. I walked forward
and sat next to him and placed my left arm around his shoulders pulling him
into me as we both cried for as long as I can remember.
A few days
had passed since my mother’s death. Today we were spreading her ashes. I was
wearing a black colored dress shirt with a grey and white tie with black slacks
and a black blazer. Cameron was wearing a black polo with a black blazer and
dark grey slacks, almost black. A black SUV pulled up in front of my dad’s
house waiting for my dad, me and Cameron to get in. Diane, Larissa, Natalie,
Phillip, Jasmine and Devin followed us in their cars. We drove east towards
Mount Hood National Forest. It was one of my mother’s all-time favorite places
to visit. The drive took about an hour before we reached the location my dad
and I agreed to spread her ashes. My dad was carrying the porcelain urn tightly
against this body. The caravan of cars found parking nearby and we all gathered
near a hill. My father had requested that the pastor to their church would come
to say a few words. There were about twenty people with us. My dad and I led
the group up the hillside and as we reached the top, we were able to see the
valley below us filled with pine trees wrapped around curving and dipped hills
and across the way was the majestic Mount Hood with its peak capped in snow.
The wind was strong and autumn leaves blew past us. It was a beautiful day with
fluffy white clouds filling the sky, leaving shadows among the valley as they
floated overhead. The crowd stood around my father and I, Cameron stood close
by as we faced the valley. The pastor began speaking, but all I could hear was
“Oh heavenly father…” before he faded to silence. I was focused on the view of
the valley below us and I looked to my dad who already had tears in his eyes
which had yet to break free. It hurt me to see him in so much pain. Just like
in the hospital, things were now moving in slow motion.
Cameron
stepped forward, now lined up with both my father and me. He placed his hand on
my lower back and looked into my face. I turned to my right and looked at him
blankly. Beyond his face I could see Natalie in a black blouse and skirt. Her
long blonde hair flowing beautifully in the strong wind. My focused changed
back to Cameron and was still looking into my eyes. I slowly turned my gaze
back in front of me and looked up into the clouds.
Mother…I
know you are above us…hidden in the clouds…above the sky…in heaven, looking
down upon us. A cloud moved from over us which was shielding the sun, but it
finally broke through warming me up and shining down on my face, I closed my
eyes and smiled. It was like feeling her warm hand and kissing my cheek, acknowledging
me. A tear finally rolled down my face, out of pure happiness, knowing that was
my mother. I lowered my head and looked at the snow covered peak across the valley and continued
to think to myself. This is where you were free, mom. This is where you would
come and dream, where you found complete bliss. Even though we will spread you
here above this valley, you will never leave our side. You will continue to be
a part of me, a part of dad…a part of us. I promise, I will be happy, I promise
that I will make you proud…and I promise to continue to love.
The pastor
moved towards us and stood in front of my father. He gracefully grabbed the urn
from my dad who was still crying. He opened the lid and let my dad reach in. My
dad pulled out a handful of ashes and looked down at his hand. The pastor came
to me and asked me to grab ashes as well. I hesitated at first, but then I
reached in and grabbed the soft remains of my mother.
“Him to, please.” I said gesturing to Cameron
The pastor nodded, allowing Cameron to grab some ashes. The
Pastor stood behind us and continued to talk. After he finished my father
slowly extended his hand and slowly unclenched his fist as ashes floated out of
his hand and began to ride the wind. The small cloud of remains flew over the
valley and disappeared in the distance. My dad sobbed uncontrollably. Tears
were filling my eyes, realizing what I was about to do. Cameron then released
the ashes as I looked into his face. He held back his tears and took two steps
back. I now stood there alone as my dad had moved to the side trying to compose
himself. My lip began to quiver as I looked at my hand extended in front of me.
In that moment, a gust of wind blew against my back almost pushing me to let
go. It was my mother…she wanted me to allow her to be free. I opened my hand
slowly, but unwillingly as I cried. The ashes flew forward and swirled in the
wind as leaves from nearby trees danced along with it. She was happy. Cameron
stepped forward again, holding onto me from behind with his arms around my
abdomen. We watched my mother floating up into the sky and disappear out of
sight. My dad, Cameron and I continued to toss the ashes into the wind as we
sobbed until the last of her remains floated away. I stood there with Cameron
holding me again looking up into the sky, tears in my eyes, rolling down my
face. Everyone else stepped forward and released rose pedals of different
colors among the wind. It was a beautiful dance of colors above us and I knew
my mother was smiling. A rose pedal floated down and brushed against my cheek,
a kiss from my mother.
We were all
staring into the sky as I noticed something in the distance. As it neared I
could see it was a bird. This bird was angelic like, covered in white feathers.
It was a white dove, a rare sighting. The dove flew through the flower pedals
and above us. It was her. My mother…just as she promised me. She would be there
to watch over me, to be my guardian angel. The dove flew over the valley for a
few minutes and then towards the direction of Mount Hood. I’ll miss you mom.
~ Dedicated to
Patricia Villarreal ~
A Wife, a Mother, a Sister.
1960-1997
©
2016 Copyright J.M. Casas Jr. of Royalty Novels / The True Love Saga. All
Rights Reserved.
All characters and likeness
are pure fiction. Any resemblance is pure coincidence. Models and Actors used
in marketing material for the True Love Saga were used as inspiration and to
provide readers with an image of what the characters may look like.
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