TRUE LOVE: FOUR SEASONS [Chapter 10: The White Dove]

I was sitting quietly in my parents’ bedroom, specifically on my mother’s side of the bed. I sat there staring at the wall; expressionless. Everyone I knew had come to my parents…my dad’s house to be there for him. My friends and Cameron were downstairs in the living room trying to comfort him. I told them that I needed time to be alone. The room still smelled like my mother’s perfume and fresh flowers, but, the room seemed slightly different, darker and sad. Although it was dark outside now, it’s as if the house knew that my mother had passed. I wasn’t able to fully process it yet and I knew that because I wasn’t crying, I wasn’t sad, I was somewhat relieved. Relieved at the fact that my mom seemed to pass away peacefully in her sleep. I just wish I got a chance to say goodbye, but knowing my mother, she would have wanted me to just say something like, see you soon, or goodnight. I stayed in the bedroom for about an hour. There was a knock on the door and it slowly opened. Cameron peeked in.

“Baby…” he said unsure what to ask

“I’m okay.” I answered anyways

“You need anything?” he asked gently

“My mom.” I said with a quivered lip

Cameron came over and sat next to me. I fought back the tears, I needed to stay strong, for my dad, for my mother, for me. I promised her and I was going to keep that promise. We sat in the room together as he comforted me, holding me with his left arm as I rested my head on his shoulder.

“Joey.” Diane called for me

I walked downstairs with Cameron holding my hand. Before I could reach the bottom of the stairs, I noticed the front door wide open and Diane standing next to it. She gestured with her head to go outside. I looked around in the living room and nobody was there. Where did everyone go? I walked around the corner and out the open door. There, on my parents open property, filling the yard, the driveway, among the trees, where hundreds of people holding candles. Everyone was in complete silence. I walked out in shock and found my dad standing in the center of the porch. I stood next to him looking at his face. Tears quietly streaming down his face as he sobbed. I looked back out into the crowd to make out some familiar faces – co-workers, school friends, students of my parents, teachers, the principle, the committee members of the winter ball, Dr. Nolan and so many other faces. These were the lives my mother touched. I gasped as I forced myself to retain composure, but I couldn’t. The tears began to pour out again. Without taking my eyes off of the candle light vigil, I reached to my left and grabbed my dad’s hand. He squeezed it as I felt his body shaking. My mother would have felt so honored to realize how many people respected her, in fact, I’m sure she knew this.

            A few people from the crowd walked forward with flowers, cards and photos they had with my mother when she was a teacher. They placed them against the steps of our porch and wouldn’t say anything other than, “I’m sorry” and walk back into the crowd. Principle Hawkins who stood among those in the front of the vigil slowly lifted her candle above her head pointed towards the sky. A couple people followed, then a handful, half of the crowd and finally, everyone. We stood out there in complete silence as people began to leave one by one. I didn’t take it as a sign of disrespect, because they showed up and it warmed my heart. I knew people couldn’t stay here forever paying their respects for my mother. The last to leave was Principle Hawkins and a few of our classmates from high school. My dad and I stood hand in hand watching them leave. He unknowingly let go of me and walked to the steps and sat down looking at the pile of memories and flowers the hundreds of people brought. I walked forward and sat next to him and placed my left arm around his shoulders pulling him into me as we both cried for as long as I can remember.

            A few days had passed since my mother’s death. Today we were spreading her ashes. I was wearing a black colored dress shirt with a grey and white tie with black slacks and a black blazer. Cameron was wearing a black polo with a black blazer and dark grey slacks, almost black. A black SUV pulled up in front of my dad’s house waiting for my dad, me and Cameron to get in. Diane, Larissa, Natalie, Phillip, Jasmine and Devin followed us in their cars. We drove east towards Mount Hood National Forest. It was one of my mother’s all-time favorite places to visit. The drive took about an hour before we reached the location my dad and I agreed to spread her ashes. My dad was carrying the porcelain urn tightly against this body. The caravan of cars found parking nearby and we all gathered near a hill. My father had requested that the pastor to their church would come to say a few words. There were about twenty people with us. My dad and I led the group up the hillside and as we reached the top, we were able to see the valley below us filled with pine trees wrapped around curving and dipped hills and across the way was the majestic Mount Hood with its peak capped in snow. The wind was strong and autumn leaves blew past us. It was a beautiful day with fluffy white clouds filling the sky, leaving shadows among the valley as they floated overhead. The crowd stood around my father and I, Cameron stood close by as we faced the valley. The pastor began speaking, but all I could hear was “Oh heavenly father…” before he faded to silence. I was focused on the view of the valley below us and I looked to my dad who already had tears in his eyes which had yet to break free. It hurt me to see him in so much pain. Just like in the hospital, things were now moving in slow motion.

            Cameron stepped forward, now lined up with both my father and me. He placed his hand on my lower back and looked into my face. I turned to my right and looked at him blankly. Beyond his face I could see Natalie in a black blouse and skirt. Her long blonde hair flowing beautifully in the strong wind. My focused changed back to Cameron and was still looking into my eyes. I slowly turned my gaze back in front of me and looked up into the clouds.

            Mother…I know you are above us…hidden in the clouds…above the sky…in heaven, looking down upon us. A cloud moved from over us which was shielding the sun, but it finally broke through warming me up and shining down on my face, I closed my eyes and smiled. It was like feeling her warm hand and kissing my cheek, acknowledging me. A tear finally rolled down my face, out of pure happiness, knowing that was my mother. I lowered my head and looked at the snow covered peak across the valley and continued to think to myself. This is where you were free, mom. This is where you would come and dream, where you found complete bliss. Even though we will spread you here above this valley, you will never leave our side. You will continue to be a part of me, a part of dad…a part of us. I promise, I will be happy, I promise that I will make you proud…and I promise to continue to love.

            The pastor moved towards us and stood in front of my father. He gracefully grabbed the urn from my dad who was still crying. He opened the lid and let my dad reach in. My dad pulled out a handful of ashes and looked down at his hand. The pastor came to me and asked me to grab ashes as well. I hesitated at first, but then I reached in and grabbed the soft remains of my mother.

“Him to, please.” I said gesturing to Cameron

The pastor nodded, allowing Cameron to grab some ashes. The Pastor stood behind us and continued to talk. After he finished my father slowly extended his hand and slowly unclenched his fist as ashes floated out of his hand and began to ride the wind. The small cloud of remains flew over the valley and disappeared in the distance. My dad sobbed uncontrollably. Tears were filling my eyes, realizing what I was about to do. Cameron then released the ashes as I looked into his face. He held back his tears and took two steps back. I now stood there alone as my dad had moved to the side trying to compose himself. My lip began to quiver as I looked at my hand extended in front of me. In that moment, a gust of wind blew against my back almost pushing me to let go. It was my mother…she wanted me to allow her to be free. I opened my hand slowly, but unwillingly as I cried. The ashes flew forward and swirled in the wind as leaves from nearby trees danced along with it. She was happy. Cameron stepped forward again, holding onto me from behind with his arms around my abdomen. We watched my mother floating up into the sky and disappear out of sight. My dad, Cameron and I continued to toss the ashes into the wind as we sobbed until the last of her remains floated away. I stood there with Cameron holding me again looking up into the sky, tears in my eyes, rolling down my face. Everyone else stepped forward and released rose pedals of different colors among the wind. It was a beautiful dance of colors above us and I knew my mother was smiling. A rose pedal floated down and brushed against my cheek, a kiss from my mother.

            We were all staring into the sky as I noticed something in the distance. As it neared I could see it was a bird. This bird was angelic like, covered in white feathers. It was a white dove, a rare sighting. The dove flew through the flower pedals and above us. It was her. My mother…just as she promised me. She would be there to watch over me, to be my guardian angel. The dove flew over the valley for a few minutes and then towards the direction of Mount Hood. I’ll miss you mom.

 ~ Dedicated to Patricia Villarreal ~

A Wife, a Mother, a Sister.

1960-1997

© 2016 Copyright J.M. Casas Jr. of Royalty Novels / The True Love Saga. All Rights Reserved.

All characters and likeness are pure fiction. Any resemblance is pure coincidence. Models and Actors used in marketing material for the True Love Saga were used as inspiration and to provide readers with an image of what the characters may look like.

TRUE LOVE: FOUR SEASONS [Chapter 9: Autumn]

The trees around Depoe Bay had become filled with reds, oranges, yellows and browns. October brought cool weather and gusty winds. It had been three months since we got the news about my mother’s terminal illness. On my last visit she weighed only 103 pounds. She was losing more memory as the weeks went by and seemed more dazed. This was really happening, my mother’s life was ending and there was nothing I could do to save her. Why did this happen…better question is why does this happen? An incurable disease plaguing the ones we love, it seems unfair. If my mother ever heard me thinking this or saying this vocally, she would have been ashamed of me. She always says things happen for a reason. Is that true? Is there a reason for this? Am I being tested?

            The days didn’t last as long anymore which would upset me. I felt like time was our enemy and wouldn’t let us spend more of it with my mother. My Dad had lost weight, but from not eating and stressing, from pain, from just plain loss of appetite. Lately, he’s only been seen with a blank stare on his face. Maybe he was drained from all the emotion that’s come over him, he just didn’t know what else to do but to shut down. My friends had been coming to see my mother at the hospital. On most visits, she didn’t recognize them, but there were a few handful of times where she would smile when they walked in, giving us a sign that she knew who they were. The doctor told her that she needed to not talk, because every ounce of energy counted at this point. Regardless of these instructions, she would try to communicate with me and my dad.

“Moun…tains.” She struggled

“Mom…please rest.” I begged

“I…want…to…go to…the moun…tains.” She smiled

“We can’t…not right now.” I told her

“After.” She said

I looked at my dad unsure of what she meant. He looked stunned, staring into my mother’s eyes.

“What is it?” I asked

“She wants us to take her ashes to the mountains.” He said flatly as a tear streamed down his cheek

My head whipped back to my mother. He eyes were tear filled and she gently nodded her head. I knelt down beside her frail body and kissed her hand and rested my cheek on it. I fought back my tears, not wanting to spend all this time around my mother crying. The nurse walked in to check on her vitals. My mother gestured to the nurse to come close to her to tell her something, the nurse was more than happy to comply. She leaned over the bed placing her ear near my mother. I watched my mother’s mouth move so slightly and the nurse stood up and smiled. She then walked out to the desk area in the main hall.

“What was that about?” I asked her

My mother simply smiled and closed her eyes. I sat down in the chair next to my mother and just watched her, keeping an eye on her breathing. About an hour into just sitting and staring off into space and wishing this were all a bad dream, the nurse returned to my mother’s room. She walked over to my mom and with her hand, brushed her hair back. She woke up and looked into the nurses eyes.

“It’s time.” The nurse said

“Time for what?” I asked nervously

The door opened again and Diane walked into the room and stood next to my mother’s bed opposite me. She knelt down and held onto my mother’s right hand. She was smiling at me and then my mother. Another person entered the room, I could hear the clicking of dress shoes at first, and then I saw a figure of a man in a black formal suit. It was Cameron. I was confused and yet, pleased to see him, but why in a suit? He had another suit in his hands, hanging on a hanger.

“This is for you.” He said extending his hand holding the suit

“What’s going on?” I asked

“Go put on the suit, Joey.” Diane smiled

I looked at our mothers, then over to my father who looked as confused as I did. I grabbed the suit for Cameron, hoping he would hint to me what was going on, but he just smiled and winked at me. I walked into the bathroom, closing the door and changed. It only took me about ten minutes to change and I exited the bathroom to find a room filled with not only our parents, but Natalie, Phillip, Larissa, Jasmine, Devin and a few co-workers from the restaurant. They were lined up against the walls of the room. Cameron stood at the center of the room, near the foot of my mother’s bed. He extended his hand with his palm up. I walked out towards him, unsure of what to expect. Everyone was smiling, including my mother.

“I don’t understand what’s going on?” I said

“Our first dance.” Cameron smiled

“This isn’t…” I then realized what this was

I looked at my mother as I stood in front of Cameron. This was our first dance. Since she would never get to see me dance at my wedding, whenever that may be, she asked Cameron and the nurse to put this together for her. I smiled back at my mother and then got into position with Cameron. The nurse played music on a small portable CD player. The sound of a guitar played through the speakers and I realized it was “You and Me” by Lifehouse. Cameron and I began to sway back and forth as we looked into each other’s eyes. Regardless of the current situation, I was happy and I showed it with a smile. Cameron held me tightly against his body as we slowly spun together, looking past Cameron’s face I could see everyone smiling and even tearing up as we danced in the dim lit room. Cameron spun be out and I followed by doing the same to him. As the song was coming to an end, I lifted my head from Cameron’s shoulder, breaking free from his grasp and walked to my mother. I kissed her on her cheek as a tear rolled off my face and onto hers. I wiped the tear away as she smiled.

            Everyone exited the room quietly and I followed them to the waiting room.

“Thank you guys.” I said smiling at them

“We knew this needed to be as special as possible for you to experience with your mom.” Natalie said

“It was special. I’ll never forget it.”

We all sat around in the waiting room, talking, catching up. I was so blessed to have such wonderful friends, family and a boyfriend. Cameron and I went to the bathroom to change out of our suits. He had to get back into his casual work clothes. His manager was extremely lenient fortunately, allowing him to spend time with me during the past few months. Cameron was pretty much his own boss, which was nice.

“Let’s go get some fresh air.” I said to everyone.

We walked outside to the parking lot. The autumn air was refreshing. I wish my mother could come outside and enjoy this day. Fall was her favorite season out of the four. We began to stroll around the hospital, standing still near the front of the hospital made me anxious. During our walk Cameron’s phone began to ring. He pulled it out of his pocket as I looked over to see the screen read, “Mom”. He answered as we all stopped in placed.

“Hello?” he answered

I could only hear what sounded like her voice, but could not make out what she was saying.

“We’re coming.” He said frantically

“What?” I asked

“We have to get back.” He said to all of us

He grabbed my arm and we both began to run. Natalie, Phillip, Larissa, Jasmine and Devin closely followed. As we entered the door to the hospitals, I could feel my heart beginning to race. It was pounding forcefully against my chest. The world around me was moving in slow motion. Our running strides took forever to land on the floor beneath us. A doctor was running in the opposite direction. Her lab coat flowing silently and slowly as she ran past us. Voices over the intercom muffled, filled the air. I saw Diane at the end of the hall waiting with an open Elevator. She was gesturing to hurry up. Even her hand signals were in slow motion. I couldn’t hear her voice, just read her lips. “Hurry. Let’s go” from what I could tell. The eight of us ran into the elevator as the doors closed. I stood near the front of the doors and anxiously fidgeted in place. It was taking forever to reach the fourth floor. The doors slowly opened as Diane squeezed by me and ran ahead towards my mother’s room. Still in slow motion, there seemed to be mayhem. My dad was being pulled out of the room and he was screaming, but still, all was silent. I reached the doorway of my mother’s room to find doctors and nurses around her, checking her pulse. I looked at the heart monitor and saw a flat line strolling across the screen. I screamed in agony, “Mom”, but I couldn’t even hear my own voice, just the pure deafening silence. A nurse held me back to let the doctors do what they needed to. I tried to wrestle out of her grip and eventually did. I ran into the room followed my Cameron and pushed a doctor out of the way. I grabbed my mother’s frail cold hand and screamed as tears poured down my face. I fell to the floor in disbelief. Cameron crouched next to me, wrapping his arms around me and resting his head on top of mine. My face partially buried into his chest. I felt a raindrop on my cheek. My conscious told me that it wasn’t a raindrop, but in fact a tear from Cameron. My dad was finally able to rush in and stand on the other side of the bed as he also knelt down and cried. The room was still silent, but I could tell there was noise filling the air. Doctors and nurses talking over one another, machines beeping, crying and screaming. Diane had walked to my dad and wrapped her arms around him trying to comfort him. I turned my head while still against Cameron’s chest and looked out of the door to the room to see Natalie sobbing in Phillips arms. Jasmine had tears rolling down her face leaning against Devin and Larissa on her knees also sobbing against the door frame.

I forced myself up as Cameron stood up with me to keep me standing. The doctor looked at me and respectfully moved out of the way. Though blurry due to the tears in my eyes, I could make out my mother. She looked like she was sleeping. Eyes gently closed and to me, what looked like the hint of a smile. I leaned over her bed and kissed her forehead, then her cheek. I continued to cry as I brushed the back of my hand against her soft face and touched her hair on her pillow.

“I promise.” I said to my mother…it was the only sound I was able to hear

I turned to Cameron and buried my face back into his chest as he held me tightly. She was gone. My mother was gone.

© 2016 Copyright J.M. Casas Jr. of Royalty Novels / The True Love Saga. All Rights Reserved.

All characters and likeness are pure fiction. Any resemblance is pure coincidence. Models and Actors used in marketing material for the True Love Saga were used as inspiration and to provide readers with an image of what the characters may look like.

TRUE LOVE: FOUR SEASONS [Chapter 8: Serenity]

News had spread to close friends and some family about my mother. Natalie took it as hard as Cameron and I did. Like I promised, I had made the best of every day, but making it a point to see my mother as much as possible. She was no longer able to work. She stayed home, or went outside or drives with us only. Her health was rapidly deteriorating. She was losing weight, she was starting to forget certain things. My dad would call me every now and then and break down. We would cry together mostly, but it’s what helped us get through this. We needed each other more than ever. My mother’s mobile status wasn’t so good. She would occasionally need help getting up or laying down. It was painful to watch. The person I held dearest to me, the woman who gave me life, my mother…was dying. Almost every day I would end with a crying session. A part of me thought about Cameron’s sanity, but he was amazing. He not only would take care of me and help me get through the day by keeping me busy, but he would hold me while I cried, he would drive me to my parents, he would visit my mother when I couldn’t, he would take her to the doctor as did Natalie from time to time. Natalie came over one day after visiting my mother, sobbing. She told me that she helped my mother bathe. She needed help getting in and getting out, washing herself. Natalie said that she held back her tears as she saw my now frail mother in the tub, struggling to survive. I stopped Natalie before she could tell me the rest. I didn’t want to imagine my mother that way.

            Although my mother did give me the diary, I didn’t start reading it. I wanted to focus on what time I had left with her. One evening, Cameron even came home with a pale face. His eyes were bright red. I could immediately tell he had been crying while visiting my mom. It was this visit that Cameron and his own mother, Diane had gone to check on my mom. They were gone for about two hours, when he walked in the door, he came up to me and hugged me tightly releasing held in tears. Everyone who knew me and knew my family were emotional and provided their support. Even Principle Hawkins called me to share her care and support.

            Everyone’s life had been put on hold, as much as I tried to normalize my life and just go on as if everything was okay…I couldn’t. I put on a brave face for my mom and would make her laugh, help her by doing chores around the house, she gave me her recipe book. We were supposed to be preparing for Natalie’s wedding at this point, but Natalie and Phillip both understood the situation and postponed further planning, not only to be there for me, but for my parents as well. Cameron started helping out at the restaurant by taking over my dad’s shift. Jasmine and Larissa had been doing well in keeping me and my dad up to date on the status of the restaurant. Many locals had been going more than usual, which I think is because they’re showing their support for my family. The popular menu item that would always sell out was Marie’s Roasted Chicken Dinner. People started writing notes on the receipts such as, Thank you for a wonderful dinner Marie, and Our Prayers are with you Marie, or your recipes are legendary. We would read the messages to my mother. Her eyes would fill with joy every time.

            I got a call from my dad, informing me that my mother was going to be admitted to the hospital for 24 hour care. Her health was diminishing and was unable to do certain things. Every day became a stronger reality that I only had a short amount of time with my mother. During her first night, I brought a pillow and my blanket. I wasn’t leaving my mother’s side in a new strange place. Cameron wanted to stay with me, but I knew he had to go to work in the morning. I told him to go and if I needed him or there was an emergency I would call him right away. My dad sat in the chair on the right side of my mother and I sat on the left of her hospital bed. She had her own room and bathroom, the nurses would come in occasionally to check her vitals and symptoms. She was plugged into an IV, she was barely able to eat anymore. My mother hardly had energy and could barely talk. Her eyes were dark and skin was pale. Her hair began to thin and feel coarse. I held onto her thin hand which was ice cold. She looked over at me as her mouth twitched. She was trying to smile. I looked down immediately and began to cry silently. I didn’t want her to see me sad, but it was hard to see her this way. My dad stood up and paced the corner of the room. He was crying too, but like me, didn’t want to show it.

“I’m going to get some food from the Cafeteria. Want anything, son?” he asked me

“No thanks.” I said through heavy breaths

“I’ll be back, sweetie.” He said leaning over my mother and kissing her on her forehead

My dad walked out of the room and closed the door. My mother turned her head back to me. She saw my tears.

“Don’t…cry.” She forced her voice

“Don’t talk, mom. Please. Save your energy.” I urged her

“I’m not in pain.” She said with a raspy voice

“Do you need anything?” I asked

She gently shook her head on her pillow. She opened her mouth, trying to continue to speak.

“Cameron…loves you so much.” She said

“I know.” I smiled

“Just like your father loves me.”

I looked into her eyes as they filled with tears.

“He loves you…” she took a deep swallow, trying to lubricate her throat, “like your grandparents loved…each other.”

“I love him too.” I said

“He…wants…” she struggled, “to…marry you.” She smiled as a tear rolled down her cheek

“I know…” I confessed, “I can see it in his eyes.”

“Don’t forget…to…save me…a seat.” She let out a raspy laugh

“I won’t.” I said crying

I continued to hold her hand as I looked into her eyes. So much love, happiness and joy were behind those eyes. She smiled at me and I smiled back.

“I’m…so…” she paused

“Mom.” I checked

“I’m…so….proud…of you…my son.”

I nodded my head, thanking her as I loosened tears which fell onto the bedside. She never stopped smiling. I realized at that moment. My mom came into this world happy…and she was leaving happy. She was in completely serenity and she wanted us to know it. We didn’t talk for the rest of the night, I just watched her as she slept. My dad returned and sat next to her side once again and held onto her other hand.

“Are you okay?” he asked

I looked at him and gave a hint of a smile.

“Yeah. I’m okay.” I nodded, “Are you okay?”

“I think so.” He said

We then both looked at my mother again as she slept peacefully. The room was silent except for the beeping of the heart monitor. I eventually fell asleep at my mother’s side with my fingers intertwined with hers.

© 2016 Copyright J.M. Casas Jr. of Royalty Novels / The True Love Saga. All Rights Reserved.

All characters and likeness are pure fiction. Any resemblance is pure coincidence. Models and Actors used in marketing material for the True Love Saga were used as inspiration and to provide readers with an image of what the characters may look like.